Whether you like it or not, when you become a parent, you become an expert in poop—jokes, potty humor, and of course, actual poop. You can recite the different types of newborn poops and what they mean, you can change a diaper while conducting an important conference call, and you become a brave soldier who handles epic blowouts with ease. (OK, maybe with relative ease. Some blowouts are a little traumatic.)
In honor of all the pooping that comes with parenthood, we’ve rounded up our favorite poop jokes that sound like they were inspired by real-life parenting situations, from newborn blowouts to potty training meltdowns. Pick your favorites, share them at your next playdate, and don’t forget to pack extra diapers.
- RELATED: The Ultimate Baby Poop Color Chart
The Newborn Phase
“What is THAT?” is a common refrain from parents when they first bring their precious infant home. Newborn poop can be a wondrous and disgusting mystery, constantly changing shape, color and texture, and giving us plenty of things to Google and freak out about. So here are a few poop jokes that sound a little like they were made up by an exhausted parent after they’d changed one too many mystery diapers. Hopefully they help you smile through the pain of changing yet another leaky diaper at 4 a.m.
Ready for a poop joke? No, they stink.
Children are like farts. Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.
Wanna hear a poop joke? Nevermind. It’s too corny.
What’s big and brown and behind the wall? Humpty’s Dump.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite jokes. But they’re a solid #2.
Stop making me laugh. You’ll make me puma pants.
Politicians are like diapers, they need to be changed often, and for the same reasons.
Which part of a trilogy is always a stinker? The turd part.
What did you get when you mix castor oil with holy water? A religious movement.
When is the best time to go to the restroom? Poo-thirty.
When my son was a baby, he had a few blowouts that nearly reduced me to tears. In fact, I’m pretty sure one or two of them did make me cry. Why do blowouts always seem to happen in the car seat, or right when you get to a restaurant? Or on the one day you forgot extra pants? Blowouts are not funny in the moment, but later on they sure are—how else could we survive the memory?
What did the poop say to the fart? You blow me away.
I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday. Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? Salad Shooter.
What’s the definition of surprise? A fart with a lump in it.
Ah, the joy of potty training—is a phrase no one has used, ever. At last, you’re on the road to no more diapers, but that road can be littered with potholes and detours and, well, plenty of poop. So much poop. So how about a little toilet humor to get you through next time your little one runs through the house screaming “I need to poop!” as it leaks down her leg…
What does Superman call his bathroom? The Super bowl.
I like toilets for two reasons. Number 1 and number 2
What do you call a fairy in the bathroom? Stinkerbell
What do women and toilet paper have in common? They both deal with a lot of crap.
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? No? So you’re the one!
What do you call a bathroom superhero? Flush Gordon
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
Leaky diapers, leaky underwear, accidents on the playground slide. It happens, you will get through it, but cleaning (or throwing out) those accidentally soiled underwear is not a fun task. My son had so many accidents on his path from newborn to potty-trained toddler, and I fully expect a few more surprises along the way. There aren’t any jokes about kids smearing their own poop on the walls or all over their crib (been there, a few times), but these are close:
What do you get when you poop in your overalls? Dung-arees.
Today I learned that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
Have you seen the movie Diarrhea? It leaked so they had to release it early.
What do you get when you combine a Sham-Wow and a Snuggie? A reason to pee in your pants.